On Chicken and Friendship

I do not want my sexuality to define me. I am a lesbian, yes. I am also a woman, an American, a professional, a friend, a daughter, a football fan, an aunt, a dog lover, a pacifist, a run-on sentence writer….and I am about to be a wife. I do not think that being gay is all that I am and sometimes I resent that my sexuality seems to be so important to others in their definition of me. I think that what two people do consensually is really no one else’s business and to openly discuss it is frankly kind of weird and borderline blasphemous. Who do we think we are to debate someone else’s life? It is frustrating that I so often feel compelled to talk about this because I do not want to give off the impression that I identify only as a lesbian and nothing more. But every time I see a public debate over whether or not I am an equal citizen, or whether or not a young boy should have to jump off a bridge for liking men, I think that a failure to speak up means I have failed not just as a gay person, but as a human being. I feel strongly that I do not believe what I believe simply because I happen to be gay. I have my beliefs because I love people. All of them. And I think we all should. I guess I want to write this because maybe a few people will read it and maybe it will shift some opinions. A part of me thinks that perhaps my being openly gay has opened the eyes of some people in my circle. Maybe seeing the issue talked about openly makes it less foreign and more relatable. I’m not sure, but if it changes one person’s opinion than maybe it is worth exposing emotion more than I prefer to. I am going to just pour this all out here and then try to not think about this again. I have tried to ignore the fact that several of my "friends" have chosen to show support for Chik-fil-A by commenting on the issue and/or 'liking' the company's Facebook page, but I cannot ignore this any longer. I am not going to name names (though the more malicious side of me would like to), but you know who you are, and so do I. Or at least I thought I knew who you were. I don’t want to get into a mud-slinging competition here but I’ve seen some of your “relationships” so forgive me if I take your sanctimonious stance with a grain of salt. I recently read this post and I have not been able to stop thinking about this since: http://www.owldolatrous.com/?p=288 And if I borrow thoughts from the above link it is unintentional and simply because the author has captured every opinion I have on this issue brilliantly, except one. But we'll get to that. Maybe it's because I'm getting married to a woman in 6 days. Maybe it's because I had a difficult time coming to terms with being gay when I was younger. I like to think it's because I'm an open-minded, compassionate human being. For whatever reason, I just cannot let it go that several people who I KNOW are intelligent and kind and would call me a friend, have openly supported Chik-fil-A after Dan Cathy's recent statement to the media regarding the company's anti-gay marriage stance. I keep trying to think of reasons why this may be. Maybe they have not really thought it through. Maybe they have some type of insatiable appetite for mediocre sandwiches that renders them illogical. Maybe, because they are not gay, it is not 'worth it.' But then why the show of support? Uh oh........maybe they agree. Is that true? This is not just about chicken. This isn’t just about your right to go grab a chicken sandwich wherever you choose. It is driving me crazy that so many people insist that everyone is ‘making a big deal’ out of a chicken sandwich. It isn’t about chicken. This is my life. I can most commonly be seen joking around and making light of things but this is about my life and this is serious. If you disagree, you’re wrong. I think one thing this IS about is understanding. I have always believed that it is difficult for some who are not gay to conceptualize the struggles gays face and be comfortable enough within themselves to openly support those who they perceive as so different from them. I guess as a society, for some reason we immediately picture sexual acts rather than companionship when the word ‘gay’ comes up. I totally get that. It makes people who may lack some comfort in their own sexuality or who are uncomfortable with the unknown uneasy. Understandable. Not an excuse, but a reason. And we are progressing. Maybe it’s because I’m marrying a teacher, but I’ve learned that it is easier when pondering a foreign concept to put it into terms we can more easily understand. What if Taco Bell donated $5 million dollars of profits annually to an organization created for the sole purpose of taking away women’s right to vote, and the CEO publicly stated that Taco Bell proudly supports the right to vote as it interprets from our founding fathers, that all MEN are created equal. If women asked their male friends not to run for the border for ‘fourth meal,’ would they be overreacting? What if they were trying to take even more women’s rights away? Look at how strongly we feel about the importance of women’s rights in the Middle East. Can you honestly tell me that if Taco Bell actively supported a campaign to require women to be covered from head to toe (and used customer dollars to do it) that we would run to the nearest location to support their courageous display of free speech? What if Chipotle donated 5% of corporate revenue annually to a group working to ensure jobs for every American by reinstating slavery? If African Americans spoke out and called the organization racist, would we say “what difference does it make, it’s just burritos?” Would we say they were overreacting and overly sensitive, or would we join in the fight? As difficult as it may be to understand for some, to me it is simple that this is exactly the same as the above two hypothetical situations. All 3 represent the funding of giant steps backwards in society which we are all obligated in the name of humanity and progress to boycott. In silence and in support we further their cause. One particularly difficult component for me to digest is that people keep saying that this is an issue of free speech. I have always been and will always be a huge supporter of free speech. Though I disagree with 100% of their opinions, I may lose popularity for saying this but I COMPLETELY support the right of the Westboro Baptist Church to say what they say and do what they do. They are Americans and they are entitled to every right that being an American comes with, as is Dan Cathy. Of course I disagree with Cathy's recent comments, but I am absolutely not saying that he shouldn't have said them. I am entitled to free speech too. I have the right to say that Cathy and others who cut/paste the Bible selectively to further a hate-fueled political agenda are the same as those who cut/paste the Koran and use it as a vehicle to justify carrying out acts of violence. It's all terrorism; some of it is just psychological. But that is just my opinion. No one is saying that what Cathy did was illegal. No one is calling for him to be arrested or for Chik-fil-A to shut its doors. Free speech is free speech. That is not what is in play here. This is about money and hate. There are several large organizations that work to prevent gay marriage from being legalized. Chik-fil-A financially supports groups among the most adamant, radical, and hateful, who believe that not only should gay marriage be illegal, but that homosexuality itself should be illegal. They want me to be illegal. Me. Sara Vitelli. These organizations operate in the U.S. and abroad to forward the message that being gay should be outlawed and in some cases punishable by death. Chik-fil-A uses profits to donate millions to these organizations. It is not just speech or beliefs. The company is using revenue to financially back groups who want to make these concepts a reality. Again, this is perfectly legal and should remain so, as much as it pains me to say it. Chik-fil-A is a private, family-owned and operated company who has been vocal about its religious principles since it opened. The company has never denied religious practices and has not misled consumers in any way, really. I always thought it was common knowledge that Chik-fil-A was a huge supporter of anti-gay groups, but maybe the lack of a comment directed right at the issue was enough to keep this out of the media spotlight. We all understand money so let’s make this simple. It is a FACT that when you spend money at Chik-fil-A, a portion of YOUR MONEY is used to support organizations who are working very hard to keep MY MARRIAGE illegal and make MY EXISTENCE illegal. YOU are financing hatred against ME. I am not being dramatic and this is not mere opinion… this is the truth. So… What is a friend? Here is Webster’s definition (the dictionary, not the lovable child star of the 80s): 1a : one attached to another by affection or esteem b : ACQUAINTANCE 2a : one that is not hostile b : one that is of the same nation, party, or group 3: one that favors or promotes something (as a charity) 4: a favored companion Think about that for a moment. Think about what friendship means to you. Who your best friends are and how you know they are your friends. What they’ve done for you. What you would do for them. With that said, if you’ve read the above blog post in the link at the top of this, let’s get to where I disagree with the eloquent Mr. Wayne Self. Self states toward the end that it does not end a friendship if you support Chik-fil-A, but it diminishes it. Well, he’s a lot nicer than me I guess. Maybe I’m more sensitive or less tolerant of ignorance, but the way I see it, if you’re actively condoning financial support of groups who want anything other than the best for me, I don’t see how we have a friendship. I may not take the time to go to your Facebook page and unfriend you, and I do not think a Facebook friendship has anything to do with a real friendship anyway, but make no mistake about it; if you support Chik-fil-A or any organization crusading against my rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness as God created me, than I certainly would not call you a friend. I don’t ask much. I’m not asking you to march in a parade with me and I don’t think it’s necessary for you to march into a Chik-fil-A and kiss a member of the same sex as a show of loyalty, but a modicum of respect is due if we really are friends. I would not fund anything or anyone trying to hurt you, and I insist you do the same for me. If you want to have a dialogue about it, we certainly can anytime. I’m open to that. But I am not flexible in the least bit on my beliefs here and will not compromise myself, my dignity, my wife, my future, to conform to bigotry. I have never apologized for who I am and I never will because not only am I not sorry, I am proud. It took me a long time to arrive at pride because of organizations like Chik-fil-A, and I will not back down from pride because of them. And a friend wouldn’t ask me to. To conclude, if you do support this organization or others like it, please unfriend me. I don’t mean on Facebook. I mean in life. You already have. To give to them is to take from me. It is insulting to me, my wife, and my future children to pretend you care about my well-being at this pivotal time in my life and in this movement. If you’re not here now, I will never need you. If you don’t have the courage or drive to say something or at least not patronize them, you’re not my friend. You’re a coward. A chicken. Maybe this is about chicken after all.